September 10, 2010

Here's a story that was all over the internet today. Playboy centerfold, a woman named, Tiffany Livingston, … caused a commotion on a JetBlue flight yesterday, after she flipped out, tried to open the plane's emergency exit door, at 10,000 feet! Imagine that? What a disaster that wo— Luckily, since she's a playmate, she couldn't read the instructions on how to open the door. But I mean, had she— had she been able to do that—

September 20, 2010

Well, during…his historic visit to Britain, the Pope stopped in Scotland, where he was served a sheep's heart, liver, and lungs, that were simmered in the sheep's stomach. Does that sound like a meal that you'd serve the Holy Father? A sheep's heart, his lung and his liver simmered in his own stomach! Doesn't that sound like a meal you'd make for Satan?! [sings high-pitched notes] I mean, what is that? What a horrible thing that is.

August 12, 2010

The U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization claims that eating meat is a major cause of global warming, and is urging us to try other alternatives including insects. They say we should eat insects, because they're rich in protein. All right. Here's my question. Say you're eating a bowl of insects, and a fly lands on your food— I mean do you shoo it away or is it j—? I mean just— Really, I mean just what's really—? I mean if it lands there are you—?

August 31, 2010

The economy is so bad, Glenn Beck had to speak to a hundred thousand people today about Herbalife! That's how bad— that's how bad it is!

September 7, 2010 #3

US commanders in Afghanistan are now ending their policy of zero tolerance on corruption. They're ending the zero-tolerance on corruption policy and allowing local government officials who are on our side to be moderately corrupt. Well it's the same policy we have here in Congress. It's the exact same thing. We're just taking it over. It didn't really get a laugh or anything.

September 7, 2010 (#2)

A candidate for governor of Nevada is proposing that motorists who pay an extra 25 dollars be allowed to drive in Nevada at speeds of up to 90 miles an hour. Finally, a politician making sense! Yes! Yes! Thank you! Yes!

September 7, 2010 (#1)

According to a study, listen to this, women. Men! Men waste $3000 a year in gasoline as a result of not asking directions. In a related story, women waste $3000 a year on shoes they only wear once! Thank you very much. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you gentlemen.